No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
