Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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