Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
