Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
