ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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