HIV tests are more positive than that guy
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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