I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
