girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
