Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
