So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
