i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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