ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
