my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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