My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
