Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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