dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
