Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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