So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
