listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
