Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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