hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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