How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
