That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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