Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
