oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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