so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
