Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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