I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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