Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
