She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
