dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
