I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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