people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
