Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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