Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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