I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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