the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
