Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
