And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize