Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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