I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
