Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
