She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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