I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
