ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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