I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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