She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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