I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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