I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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