dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
