i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
