capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
