It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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